Sunday, April 18, 2010

Someplace New

In case you've never noticed I tend to be a dreamer. I dream up big plans that will probably never happen but it's fun to think about just the same.
Feeling like I need a big change in my life I've entertained the thought of moving away, maybe even out of state! People do it all the time and it could be really exciting. Problem is, throughout the whole United States, where would I want to go?
So today I was blog stalking cause that's what I do and found this site on someone's blog. It's a quiz you can take and it will tell you the top places you should live.
This is my list:

Hickory, North Carolina
Paris, Tennessee
Salisbury, North Carolina
Clayton, Georgia
Gainesville, Georgia
Maryville, Tennessee
Morganton, North Carolina
Woodbury, Tennessee
Hendersonville, North Carolina
Murray, Kentucky
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Aiken, South Carolina
Guthrie, Oklahoma
Berea, Kentucky
Mount Airy, North Carolina
Oxford, Mississippi
Guntersville, Alabama
Eufaula, Alabama
Kerrville, Texas
Alexander City, Alabama
Marble Falls, Texas
Clarksdale, Mississippi
Charlottesville, Virginia
Abingdon, Virginia

There must be something about me that screams southern belle or something :) Realizing that I will probably never actually live in any of these places it kind of makes me curious to at least visit and see what they have to offer.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Big Number Birthday


I’m a day away from turning 25 and I can hardly figure out where the time has gone. I remember thinking when I was younger that that seemed so old, that I would be an adult. I could hardly even picture myself as that person and yet in the blink of an eye here I am.

I’m not one to take much stock in birthdays. Sure I like the attention as much as anyone else but I don’t like telling people it’s my birthday so there usually isn’t too much fuss and attention anyway. I don’t understand the need or desire to be forever 29. You should be proud of your age, it signifies your years of experience and hopefully maturity. It certainly isn’t anything to be embarrassed about; it’s just another day and another year. So how come this birthday is turning out to be such an emotional one?

It almost turns to panic when I think back at my life so far and the realization that there is no denying my adulthood and my new found position on the downward slope to thirty and yet I have so few accomplishments.

My crowning achievement in life so far has been the mission. I could go on and on about how wonderful it was and the blessings I received from it. Though it’s hard to point out just one blessing there is one that meant the most and has also given me the most heartache. Being a missionary showed me the kind of person I could be. A person who is confident in oneself. I don’t know if I’d ever felt self-confidence before. I was never all that fond of myself and was sure that I was always looked at as the weirdo in the corner, painfully shy and awkward. As a missionary though I was put into positions where people liked me and wanted to be around me, where the love I felt for others and my desire to serve them outweighed the fear I had in portraying my true feelings. I’m not saying that it was easy and quick, it took a long time and it was so hard but I knew what I was doing and I knew why I was doing it and it made me complete.

My only regret is that I didn’t fully realize it at the time. I took it for granted and thought that that was just how I was going to be from then on. It made me excited for life, knowing that I could conquer anything I chose to do in life. Unfortunately when the badge came off so did all my confidence. Thank goodness it wasn’t accompanied by the same tendencies for depression but it left me scared once again to take charge of my life. I have the desire to do big things but lack the courage to actually go through with it and every time that I don’t I feel the old, better me becoming more of a fantasy. I get so homesick for that and for my other family in Ecuador almost daily and that makes everything I do now feel tedious and pointless.

I wanted to have so much accomplished by this birthday and all I have is one thing. One thing I did well at and didn’t mess up. It was a big thing but it was still just one thing.

I’m taking an institute class from Bro. Robbins. I took a couple of classes from him before my mission and got lucky this semester that he was teaching a class that fit perfectly into my schedule. He is an amazing teacher that is not only passionate about what he is teaching but also direct and loving. There is no sugar coating anything and I love that. I also love the class. It is doctrine of the gospel and is amazing. I have learned so many new and exciting things. I’ve gained a greater knowledge of death and the resurrection, of the judgment and second coming. I never really feared death but now am excited for it. It will be hard to leave this life and the people that we love here but the prospect of removing the veil and the people you’ll meet again as well as the great mission you’ll be serving. I can’t help but be excited for that. I’ll live my life as best and as full as I can but when my time comes I will be ready and willing to go.

In our class yesterday we were learning about the fall of Babylon and the rise of Zion. We talked of the veil and the fact that we are the only ones that have it. Those that came before us in the spirit world and those still waiting to come have no veil. They know everything and they see everything. They can see us and are cheering us on. Brother Robbins looked as us and said with tears in his eyes, “anytime you’re about to go out and do something stupid, think of your kids.” They are watching us and the lives they are coming to depend on us and the choices we make.

A relatively simple statement but powerful to me. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about my kids. I don’t know who they are and what they will be like but I do know that when the time comes for them to join me here I will love them even more than I could possible comprehend at this point. I will be blessed with some of Heavenly Father’s choicest spirits and I know because I feel as though I am being prepared now. Who knows where their father is and what he is up to or when he will show up but whether it be soon or not we will be ready to welcome them into this world and love them as they deserve to be loved.

I'm understanding more everyday the special time that this is to be prepared in the Lord's way for what he needs me to be. My vision is limited for now but knowing I have a purpose as great as that calms me and gives me strength. I can once again become the kind of person I want to be.

Please ignore

okay, as you could probably tell from my last post that i am struggling in life and feel the unnecessary need to justify everything i do. Since then i realize how lame that was so don't pay attention to my irrational side :)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Preguntas del Alma

Well once again there are something that have got me thinking and wondering and for need of a place to vent my feelings I turn to you dear blog. To be perfectly honest I love my blog and being able to express some of the many things that go through my head. Maybe some of them should be saved for the privacy of my own journal but I find this more therapeutic.
The random news is that my ticker says that I'm about to reach 500 visitors to my blog. I know I don't have that many friends so leave a comment so I know who's out there. Just throwing that out there.
So to get to the point, I have been thinking a lot lately about my future plans. I'm really struggling with school these days. I do not enjoy it and here is why. My whole life I have been going in one direction, Elementary Education. I love children and I love working with them and know that is where I have most of my gifts and talents. I sometimes feel as though it's a moral obligation to fulfill because of the need to develop my talents. I love my job and am good at it. I love primary and believe that I do a good job there as well. Elementary Ed. seems like the logical thing, right?!?
So why doesn't it feel right ?!?
Ever since I came home from my mission life has been like a new puzzle that I have to figure out. Some pieces look familiar but there are a lot of those pieces I'm not sure how to piece together to make the big picture. Everything I thought I had figured out in my life seems to not exist anymore.
Today I was talking with a friend of mine about our mutual dislike of school and she pointed out that knowledge is what is important not college. College just doesn't work for some people and I think I am quickly becoming one of them. I learn by seeing and doing, by trial and error my poor brain can't handle sitting through lectures and reading text books anymore.
I have a mind like a sieve!!!
I hate not having the time and energy to give my 100% to the things that I love. I'm not doing my best at work, I'm not able to help those around me and it's killing me. My dilemma is that this is probably just growing pains that everyone has to go through while growing up but then on the other hand should I have to grin and bear it while being completely miserable or should I get to enjoy life the way I want to?
I don't want to be a quitter and pay the consequences later but then I don't know what I want to do with school and this may be a sensitive subject but I think a higher degree is losing it's value in today's economy. If I am going to put that much effort into something, I want it to be something that I love and am passionate about. Elementary Ed. just doesn't fit that criteria anymore.
Maybe when I figure out what it is that I want to do with my life I can go back to school until then, I just don't know.
Thanks for listening and don't forget to leave a comment so we can become blogging friends :)

Friday, February 26, 2010

I Just Might Be Crazy

My goal this year was to do something I've been afraid of doing, running a 5k. It's not like it's a marathon a 5k shouldn't be that scary but I HATE Running!!! I like the idea of running, it seems so invigorating and fun but oh so painful. I'm afraid of it being so painful that I can't finish but being inspired by The Biggest Loser and with support from many people around me I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it :)
The reason why I think this might be a little crazy is that I signed up for the Rex Lee Run which is March 13. That is two weeks away! Two weeks!!!! I haven't even tried out my new running shoes and haven't done much more than my yoga in months. I'm really hoping this will start something great and keep me going rather than totally kill me off. I hope I don't have to have someone come pick me up off the side of the road :)
Nike Women's Reax IV Shoe
Even though I haven't done any training I've got the most important stuff taken care of; I bought my shoes, loaded my music on my ipod and bought my armband. It's a piece of cake after that ;) haha

Feeling Swamped

Sometime life can just feel like too much. Too much to do and too little time. Last semester I can honestly say that I enjoyed working full time and going to school full time but no longer can that be said.
I'M SO TIRED!!!

Just when you think you have things figured out you realize you couldn't be more wrong. Let's just say that surviving the next 2-3 months is the only thing I can think about and then get ready cause there is going to be some celebrating!!!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

No Greater Call

This semester I’m taking an institute class called Doctrine of the Gospel. I’ve only ever taken Book of Mormon classes hoping that it would help me improve my reading habits but I decided it was time for something different. I love this class and am learning a lot.

Yesterday in our class we were learning about the priesthood and we read some quotes that really made me think. We talked about how important a woman’s role is with the priesthood. I’ve never felt cheated by not having the priesthood and I understand that my role as a woman is just as important but maybe I didn’t realize just how important it really was. Here are some of the quotes we read:

Elder Boyd K. Packer: “It is interesting to know how man is put together-how incomplete he is. His whole physical and emotional, and for that matter, spiritual nature, is formed in such a way that it depends upon a source of encouragement and power that is found in a woman. When man has found his wife and companion, he has in a sense found the other half of himself. He will return to her again and again for that regeneration that exalts his manhood and strengthens him for the testing that life will give him. A woman has the privilege and influence to transform a man into an able and effective LDS priesthood leader. However, for this there are two prerequisites. First, she must want to, and second, she must know how. Part of knowing how includes the genius of encouraging him to meet his obligations without replacing him in his role, and without presiding over him.”

“However much priesthood power and authority the men may possess—however much wisdom and experience they may accumulate—the safety of the family, the integrity of the doctrine, the ordinances, the covenants, indeed the future of the Church, rest equally upon the women. The defenses of the home and family are greatly reinforced when the wife and mother and daughters belong to Relief Society. No man receives the fullness of the priesthood without a woman at his side. For no man, the Prophet said, can obtain the fullness of the priesthood outside the temple of the Lord. And she is there beside him in that sacred place. She shares in all that he receives. The man and the woman individually receive the ordinances encompassed in the endowment. But the man cannot ascend to the highest ordinances—the sealing ordinances—without her at his side. No man achieves the supernal exalting status of worthy fatherhood except as a gift from his wife.”

I wanted to share these because it made me realize just how special my role is and how much more so when I finally receive that blessing of becoming a wife and a mother.

No longer will I look at my own faults as reasons why I’m not married. Sure I have them, lots of them, but I also have a lot to give. I honestly believe, without tooting my own horn in any way, that I will make a good wife and a great mother. I might even be bold enough to say that some guy would be lucky to have me!!!

I don’t know about you but I like to feel special and sometimes I need outside sources to help me feel that way. This is something that makes me feel special. I have a very important purpose in this life and I know I’ve been prepared to fulfill that purpose whenever the time comes. I hope you girls out there all feel special too cause we are AWESOME*!!

*I have no idea why I use this word so much lately but when I feel strongly about something that is the only word that seem adequate to express it, maybe I watch too much Chuck J