Well I can't say that I am here with any great stories to tell or things to say but I think writing is kinda like praying; when you don't want to do it, do it anyway, do it till you want to be doing it. Now I realize that might get a raised eyebrow or two and I realize writing might not seem that important but I guess what I'm trying to say is you just have to go for it. Most of the time when I sit down to write I don't have anything specific in mind that I want to write I just have a need to have some of the thoughts floating around in my head be heard in one way or another.
One of the things that I find most frustrating about myself is my inability to speak. Usually it is nerves that rid my brain of any intelligible thoughts so I just don't know what to say but the older I get and the more confidence I gain it seems the problem isn't always not knowing what to say but finally having something to say and not being able to get it out in audible tones. It seems that even though I feel like I am speaking normally my voice just seems to get softer and softer making it, by what I've been told, very frustrating to talk to me since I can't be understood. Trust me when I say I feel the frustration just as much as those trying to listen to me, I hate that nobody can hear me. I have no desire to be a loud mouth but I would be okay with a normal voice :)
That being my greatest frustration at the moment I also got a haircut this past week that I HATE!!! It was suppose to be so cute and yet every time I look at myself in the mirror or try to do something with it I just want to cry. I don't know if I've ever really had a bad haircut but this one is definitely it. It's very sad indeed.
On the positive side I was able to get a new skirt from Target to wear today to church. I've been wanting a pencil skirt for sometime and finally found one that I love. I only had to sell my soul to my mother in order to get it but based on how I felt wearing it today, it was worth it.
Speaking of selling my soul, I have no direction in life and feel completely lost. I have no idea what I should be doing with myself or where I should be going. I'm growing an aversion to talking to people since the natural course of conversation takes us directly to this point and I feel that sense of togetherness and maturity I might possibly have given off in the conversation leading up to the point falls completely flat when they realize that in fact I'm just a big fat loser. The bumming on my parents couch, jobless, nearly 30 year old loser that I am is the only thing they can now see and so turn around and walk away. Yes I do know that is what they are doing when an other wise nice conversation suddenly turns cold but maybe here we have the culprit stealing my voice. Inside I still have confidence and know that I am in fact not a loser, struggling a bit, but not a loser. Despite some of the things I lack I believe I actually have something to offer others. I still have a desire to do good in the world and to be a better person and to befriend those around me. I'm still passionate about things even when it gets harder and harder to show it. Inside I'm sticking up for myself to all those people that turn and walk away even though on the outside I show none of that. Somehow I have got to find my voice and step out into the scary world and make a life for myself all rather daunting of course but do-able if I could just figure out how to take that first step, right now it's all just darkness.
Wish me luck!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Oh technology
It's been awhile since I have been on blogger, I guess I figured I was tired of using it as a venting session and giving the impression that it was doom and gloom all the time. My life, although frustrating at times really isn't do bad and I have actually been thinking a lot about my writing and missing it. It's therapeutic and I love it so hopefully that means I will be getting back to it. Right now I am writing from the newest addition to the family, the iPad. This is where the war begins my great love hate relationship with technology. I hate depending on something so fickle as technology but boy do I love that thrill of a new toy and seeing all the new things I can do with it. This is being written at the end of a wasted day just merely tinkering around with this here IPad and as pathetic as that does make me feel I'm ok embracing that and will begin a new journey tomorrow unsticking myself from this thing and interacting with real people.
P.s. have you ever typed in an iPad? Why is that sensation such a thrilling one?
P.p.s. I know those of you seasoned iPad/iPhone users may laugh at this silliness but maybe you remember what it was like that first time ;)
P.s. have you ever typed in an iPad? Why is that sensation such a thrilling one?
P.p.s. I know those of you seasoned iPad/iPhone users may laugh at this silliness but maybe you remember what it was like that first time ;)
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Spinning a Story
So I tried my hand at a little short story tonight and thought I would share the outcome.
For a little background information: My roommate Whitney works as a dispatcher for the campus police and while she is working sometimes we go in to visit her. Tonight just happen to be one of those nights and while she was on break she took me into one of the interrogation rooms and told me to write a confession. For your amusement and maybe because I am a little proud of it, I will share it with you all.
To Whom it May Concern,
I have lived with this guilt too long and must come clean. I feel as though I must confess a sin too grave to speak out loud.
On the morning of September 23, 2011 I had just returned to my apartment at 557 E. 400 N. #3 after a wild night spent in the company of a man I considered to be the love of my life. Much to my shame and possible eternal damnation I went against my conscience to give myself completely to this man I believed to be my soul mate. It was after He took that which is most precious from me that I learned of the false pretense under which it was taken. He was not the man that I had once thought just hours before. Filled with such horror and guilt at what I had done, something dark and sinister awakened within me.
The smugness with which the man, nay, this beast looked at me as some animal would look down on it's recently killed prey. Prey not killed out of necessity but merely sport. What ensued cannot be given in detail, as my memory has been obliterated, but this I must confess; the life of one Leilani Rose Richens was taken by my hands. Something that was building as I left that animal to return to my now shattered life snapped as my roommate Leilani questioned me when I returned home. Instead of attacking the one I truly hated I attacked her. I was crazed and possessed by a power far greater than my own.
You will find her body buried on Old Main under an unmarked mound of dirt and I will be awaiting you.
And what would be a story without a picture to go along with it. Thanks Whitney for drawing it out for everyone.
Haha I promise I am not disturbed and my roommates/those around me really have nothing to worry about ;) Writing can be so fun sometimes!
For a little background information: My roommate Whitney works as a dispatcher for the campus police and while she is working sometimes we go in to visit her. Tonight just happen to be one of those nights and while she was on break she took me into one of the interrogation rooms and told me to write a confession. For your amusement and maybe because I am a little proud of it, I will share it with you all.
To Whom it May Concern,
I have lived with this guilt too long and must come clean. I feel as though I must confess a sin too grave to speak out loud.
On the morning of September 23, 2011 I had just returned to my apartment at 557 E. 400 N. #3 after a wild night spent in the company of a man I considered to be the love of my life. Much to my shame and possible eternal damnation I went against my conscience to give myself completely to this man I believed to be my soul mate. It was after He took that which is most precious from me that I learned of the false pretense under which it was taken. He was not the man that I had once thought just hours before. Filled with such horror and guilt at what I had done, something dark and sinister awakened within me.
The smugness with which the man, nay, this beast looked at me as some animal would look down on it's recently killed prey. Prey not killed out of necessity but merely sport. What ensued cannot be given in detail, as my memory has been obliterated, but this I must confess; the life of one Leilani Rose Richens was taken by my hands. Something that was building as I left that animal to return to my now shattered life snapped as my roommate Leilani questioned me when I returned home. Instead of attacking the one I truly hated I attacked her. I was crazed and possessed by a power far greater than my own.
You will find her body buried on Old Main under an unmarked mound of dirt and I will be awaiting you.
And what would be a story without a picture to go along with it. Thanks Whitney for drawing it out for everyone.
Monday, October 24, 2011
What Is This Passion You Speak Of
Well as you can probably guess I have failed at yet another thing. I felt like I was doing so well in everything and one weekend ruined everything. It wasn't even anything I could have seen coming. I went home for the weekend for my little sister's farewell. It wasn't particularly rough or anything but for some reason it seems to have marked my derailment.
I mean I have been feeling kinda lost for awhile now. Not really sure what I should be doing differently to make my life more interesting and fulfilling. Trying to find out what it is that I feel passionate about.
For everyone else it seems the answer is school. Most people aren't passionate about it but they know it is something they have to do in order to do that which they are passionate about. They know in which direction to look for the light at the end of the tunnel so it seems they are able to buckle down and get it done. For others of us, of which I feel the poster child of, we aren't sure if there even is a light at the end of the tunnel let alone where to find it.
Of course there are a few things that I feel passionate about, that I love doing and that make me feel good. Unfortunately none of these things are subjects to be studied at school. I can't find any of these things in the places I am looking. I have hesitated actually forming these thoughts but I think it is time that I started acknowledging it. I don't think school is where I am suppose to be.
I hesitate for several reasons. First we have been told by a prophet that we need to get an education. Second everyone around me thinks this is what I should do, and they speak from experience, knowing that it's better to get it done now rather than wait until you have to.
The third reason is my own logic. I am 26 years old, not married and no immediate prospects to change that. I feel like I need to be doing something productive with my life and the only thing I feel is productive is using my time to get an education. I haven't shared the reason why I moved away from home to come here to Logan but basically I felt like it was where I was suppose to be. The only logical reason I could think of for that necessity was school. Attend Utah State University, that was the answer. School must be this hard because I was going to the wrong school.
How wrong that proved to be. If this is what I am suppose to be doing with my life why does it make me so unhappy? It has only become more clear that I do not want to major in Elementary Education, no big deal right? Just pick a new major. Weighing my options and researching different majors I have only become more confused into a state I can only describe as a stupor of thought. I never understood that phrase before but I think I'm beginning to. It isn't just a matter of making a decision and asking if it is right but not even knowing what decision to make. Trying to describe it would be useless I think. It feels like the light goes out on my thoughts and I can't find a way to move forward. It is a constant sick to my stomach feeling about any major I have considered.
I enjoy living on my own. I love living far enough away that I don't constantly head back to my safety net. I love that I have become confident and happy in my social life. I wish there was more to it but for once I look forward to it and instead of cowering in the corner watching others, feeling completely inadequate, I now participate with confidence comfortable with who I am. I'm not saying I'm a regular chatterbox but if I want to say something I do. I haven't had any dates yet but I'm getting more comfortable and better at putting myself out there. Maybe that's the reason I was suppose to come to Logan.
So if doing it everyone elses way isn't working what is my way? I don't know just yet but here are a few of the things that make me happy; being around other people, going to institute, cooking and trying new things in the kitchen, writing talks(odd I know but I enjoy it), taking care of others, finding opportunities to serve others. I wouldn't say that I was particularly good at any of these things but when I do them I am happy and I would consider these things to be things that I am passionate about.
So how do I go about my life doing the things that make me happy? Sound like being a mother would be the perfect fit but for some reason Heavenly Father doesn't think it's time yet so what do I do in the mean time? What is it that I'm suppose to be learning or accomplishing? What am I suppose to become in the mean time? Why are there no answers? Maybe I should seriously look into being a nanny?
I mean I have been feeling kinda lost for awhile now. Not really sure what I should be doing differently to make my life more interesting and fulfilling. Trying to find out what it is that I feel passionate about.
For everyone else it seems the answer is school. Most people aren't passionate about it but they know it is something they have to do in order to do that which they are passionate about. They know in which direction to look for the light at the end of the tunnel so it seems they are able to buckle down and get it done. For others of us, of which I feel the poster child of, we aren't sure if there even is a light at the end of the tunnel let alone where to find it.
Of course there are a few things that I feel passionate about, that I love doing and that make me feel good. Unfortunately none of these things are subjects to be studied at school. I can't find any of these things in the places I am looking. I have hesitated actually forming these thoughts but I think it is time that I started acknowledging it. I don't think school is where I am suppose to be.
I hesitate for several reasons. First we have been told by a prophet that we need to get an education. Second everyone around me thinks this is what I should do, and they speak from experience, knowing that it's better to get it done now rather than wait until you have to.
The third reason is my own logic. I am 26 years old, not married and no immediate prospects to change that. I feel like I need to be doing something productive with my life and the only thing I feel is productive is using my time to get an education. I haven't shared the reason why I moved away from home to come here to Logan but basically I felt like it was where I was suppose to be. The only logical reason I could think of for that necessity was school. Attend Utah State University, that was the answer. School must be this hard because I was going to the wrong school.
How wrong that proved to be. If this is what I am suppose to be doing with my life why does it make me so unhappy? It has only become more clear that I do not want to major in Elementary Education, no big deal right? Just pick a new major. Weighing my options and researching different majors I have only become more confused into a state I can only describe as a stupor of thought. I never understood that phrase before but I think I'm beginning to. It isn't just a matter of making a decision and asking if it is right but not even knowing what decision to make. Trying to describe it would be useless I think. It feels like the light goes out on my thoughts and I can't find a way to move forward. It is a constant sick to my stomach feeling about any major I have considered.
I enjoy living on my own. I love living far enough away that I don't constantly head back to my safety net. I love that I have become confident and happy in my social life. I wish there was more to it but for once I look forward to it and instead of cowering in the corner watching others, feeling completely inadequate, I now participate with confidence comfortable with who I am. I'm not saying I'm a regular chatterbox but if I want to say something I do. I haven't had any dates yet but I'm getting more comfortable and better at putting myself out there. Maybe that's the reason I was suppose to come to Logan.
So if doing it everyone elses way isn't working what is my way? I don't know just yet but here are a few of the things that make me happy; being around other people, going to institute, cooking and trying new things in the kitchen, writing talks(odd I know but I enjoy it), taking care of others, finding opportunities to serve others. I wouldn't say that I was particularly good at any of these things but when I do them I am happy and I would consider these things to be things that I am passionate about.
So how do I go about my life doing the things that make me happy? Sound like being a mother would be the perfect fit but for some reason Heavenly Father doesn't think it's time yet so what do I do in the mean time? What is it that I'm suppose to be learning or accomplishing? What am I suppose to become in the mean time? Why are there no answers? Maybe I should seriously look into being a nanny?
Friday, October 14, 2011
Let's Get Acquainted Day 17
What Makes You Insecure/Proud
Well this whole blog is dedicated to my insecurities so I'm going to go with something that makes me proud. I am a most proud of earning one of these:
I am proud of these three. Each one was my companion starting on the left and working my way to the right. Hna. Guerrero from Esmeraldas Ecuador was my second companion, Hna. Najarro from El Salvador was my third companion, and Hna. Sanchez from Esmeraldas was my fifth companion. I am proud of this because we all had our struggles together but these three became three of my best friends. I am proud of the friendships I made in Ecuador. To this day almost four years after leaving I still have contact with lots of missionaries and members alike. It was the first time I knew that others could see that I cared and was a good person when all along I feared that even though I felt it I couldn't express it. They all proved me wrong.
I love this picture and it was a very happy day indeed even though you can tell from the picture that I was not there. That was the story of my mission, nobody that I taught from the beginning ever got baptized while I was in the area but after I left. We weren't the first missionaries to find Gabriel but he hadn't been taught in a while. His wife was inactive and he was not a member when we went to visit. We went there a couple of times a week to teach him but he was afraid of the word baptism. Afraid he couldn't stay strong after he made the commitment. He led family prayer at night and read daily from the scriptures with his wife. He attended church and had a desire to take his family to the temple but put it off because of insecurities. My companion saw this in her own family with her dad. He said he wanted to get baptized but never would commit and it had been many years. She wanted us to stop visiting Gabriel y Venus but I made her keep going. We started to focus on Venus and then I was transferred out of the area. Hna. Najarro and her companion continued to work with them and two months after I left and a few days after Hna. Najarro left to go home, Gabriel was baptized. The night I got that phone call was one of the best. Within a few weeks of his baptism he had baptized a few members of his family and was planning on more a few weeks after that. I can't take credit for any baptism that took place but it made me proud that I was able to be a part of his.
The mission is loaded with happy moments that make your heart swell with gratitude and I can't share all of them but these are two :) Maybe later I can share more.
I love this picture and it was a very happy day indeed even though you can tell from the picture that I was not there. That was the story of my mission, nobody that I taught from the beginning ever got baptized while I was in the area but after I left. We weren't the first missionaries to find Gabriel but he hadn't been taught in a while. His wife was inactive and he was not a member when we went to visit. We went there a couple of times a week to teach him but he was afraid of the word baptism. Afraid he couldn't stay strong after he made the commitment. He led family prayer at night and read daily from the scriptures with his wife. He attended church and had a desire to take his family to the temple but put it off because of insecurities. My companion saw this in her own family with her dad. He said he wanted to get baptized but never would commit and it had been many years. She wanted us to stop visiting Gabriel y Venus but I made her keep going. We started to focus on Venus and then I was transferred out of the area. Hna. Najarro and her companion continued to work with them and two months after I left and a few days after Hna. Najarro left to go home, Gabriel was baptized. The night I got that phone call was one of the best. Within a few weeks of his baptism he had baptized a few members of his family and was planning on more a few weeks after that. I can't take credit for any baptism that took place but it made me proud that I was able to be a part of his.The mission is loaded with happy moments that make your heart swell with gratitude and I can't share all of them but these are two :) Maybe later I can share more.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
LGA Day 16
Let's Talk Crazy
Honestly, I don't really know what this is asking of me. Is it wanting to know what drives me crazy? What is it exactly that makes me crazy? What I consider living it up or getting crazy?
Really I don't know how to answer either one of those questions.
I think I become a crazy person when I get stressed or when I have to many decisions to make. By crazy here I am referring to those times when I start to shut down. Instead of dealing with my stress in a productive way it usually means I do nothing. I sit and over analyze things to point that nothing makes sense anymore. I don't just over analyze the problem at hand, once it starts it doesn't stop and everything gets thought over from every angle leading to one big mess. If you ever see me and I'm kind of just sitting staring into space for unnatural amounts of time and you start to wonder what could possibly be wrong with me. Don't worry I may look like I'm crazy, I will not start rocking back and forth in a fetal position humming to myself but my mind is going a million miles a minute thinking about everything that has led me to this point in time and trying to figure out every possible outcome. Which I do fully realize is an impossible task but it is what I do best. And if that's not crazy I don't know what is.
*please don't get scared away by this :)
Honestly, I don't really know what this is asking of me. Is it wanting to know what drives me crazy? What is it exactly that makes me crazy? What I consider living it up or getting crazy?
Really I don't know how to answer either one of those questions.
I think I become a crazy person when I get stressed or when I have to many decisions to make. By crazy here I am referring to those times when I start to shut down. Instead of dealing with my stress in a productive way it usually means I do nothing. I sit and over analyze things to point that nothing makes sense anymore. I don't just over analyze the problem at hand, once it starts it doesn't stop and everything gets thought over from every angle leading to one big mess. If you ever see me and I'm kind of just sitting staring into space for unnatural amounts of time and you start to wonder what could possibly be wrong with me. Don't worry I may look like I'm crazy, I will not start rocking back and forth in a fetal position humming to myself but my mind is going a million miles a minute thinking about everything that has led me to this point in time and trying to figure out every possible outcome. Which I do fully realize is an impossible task but it is what I do best. And if that's not crazy I don't know what is.
*please don't get scared away by this :)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
LGA Day 15
Describe Your Dream Home
My dream home is filled with two or three little kids running around after bath time with an awesome husband chasing them down while I'm taking care of the baby. When they are contained we have story time and mom and dad tuck them in.
Haha just kidding (not really) I know what it was really asking. My dream house isn't something that I am very particular about, but there are a few features that I think would make it ideal.
First it has to have a kitchen with an island and lots of windows.
Second it needs to have a big porch where we can all sit on a Sunday evening in our rocking chairs or comfy porch swing. A porch the kids can lounge around reading on in the summer.
Third, I would like it to have a decent sized yard. Someplace the kids can easily play and run around in. Maybe throw a ball around. Where I can grow my own vegetables and herbs and so I can wake up on Saturday mornings to the sound of my husband (and by husband I mean Awesome husband) mowing the lawn and the smell of fresh cut grass filling the air. That I'm afraid is not negotiable.
Size of house really doesn't matter much to me. I don't want a huge house with lots of cool features, I just want a house sufficient for our needs. I don't mind kids sharing bedrooms.
I think it would be great if it was a combination of Father of the Bride and Green Gables. Green Gables on the outside, Father of the Bride on the inside. Yes, I am aware that that is structurally impossible but if it's my dream home that means I can dream about it.
Follow this link to see other houses that I could easily fall in love with.
My dream home is filled with two or three little kids running around after bath time with an awesome husband chasing them down while I'm taking care of the baby. When they are contained we have story time and mom and dad tuck them in.
Haha just kidding (not really) I know what it was really asking. My dream house isn't something that I am very particular about, but there are a few features that I think would make it ideal.
First it has to have a kitchen with an island and lots of windows.
Second it needs to have a big porch where we can all sit on a Sunday evening in our rocking chairs or comfy porch swing. A porch the kids can lounge around reading on in the summer.
Third, I would like it to have a decent sized yard. Someplace the kids can easily play and run around in. Maybe throw a ball around. Where I can grow my own vegetables and herbs and so I can wake up on Saturday mornings to the sound of my husband (and by husband I mean Awesome husband) mowing the lawn and the smell of fresh cut grass filling the air. That I'm afraid is not negotiable.
Size of house really doesn't matter much to me. I don't want a huge house with lots of cool features, I just want a house sufficient for our needs. I don't mind kids sharing bedrooms.
I think it would be great if it was a combination of Father of the Bride and Green Gables. Green Gables on the outside, Father of the Bride on the inside. Yes, I am aware that that is structurally impossible but if it's my dream home that means I can dream about it.
Follow this link to see other houses that I could easily fall in love with.
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