"Delight In The Life You Have"

The title of this post is a quote from a talk given at a CES Fireside with Elder Dallin H. Oaks and his wife Kristen. She spoke to us young single adults as how she described herself, "the poster child of the single adults". She spoke about recognizing the blessing that this time in our life is even when it doesn't feel so blessed. Now is when we become the people that we want to be for the rest of our lives by the choices we make. We can't hang back and be angry or sad that our lives aren't we think they ought to be. If we aren't happy now we will never be happy in marriage. She spoke knowing this from experience because she was in her 50's when she married. The night of this fireside I feared that maybe she was talking to me that maybe just maybe it would be another 20-30 years before I would receive the blessings that I so wanted. Pushing aside the fear, I also felt she wasn't speaking to me in that point, that I would someday receive the blessings that I desired but if it so happened that I would have to wait longer than I would like, I would be okay.
Now I'm not saying that night changed my life. I quickly forgot the things that were taught that night and only remembered that I enjoyed the things that she had to say. But I have recently gone back and listened again to her talk and had the realization that what she taught was the exact transformation I needed in my life and that Heavenly Father had given me without my even realizing it.
I began to delight in the life I had when I moved to Logan and was surrounded by girls that quickly became my best friends, that taught me that life was great even though it wasn't always fun. If I have learned something the last year it is that life definitely isn't always easy and doesn't often go the way that we want it to but it can always be great. There can always be something to be grateful for and happy about. My life has certainly had it's trials and I have often wondered why what I wanted never seemed to be an option. But what has changed has been me and my expectations. Not giving up but looking to what I have control of in my life and making it worth while. My deepest desire is and will always be to be a wife and a mother. Giving up is not an option. I want to become a better me even if no one else cares or sees it.
So for the few of you that may read my blog I apologize that it has taken me so long to figure it out, that I have been so poor me for so long.  I have learned to "delight in the life" that I have, realizing I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be.

New and Exciting Things

All sorts of new and exciting things are happening all around. Well maybe just a few. First off I finally found a job. It took longer than I would have liked and I had almost given up when I found a school that actually wanted to give me a job. I now work at Scera Park Elementary. I have recently finished my first week and can say that it is a fantastic job. Everyone has been so welcoming and encouraging that I have found the awkward period of adjusting to a new environment almost non-existent. No awkward moments when you get that look from teachers you don't work with that says who are you and what are you doing wandering around our school. Instead I have been stopped in the hall numerous times just for people to introduce themselves and welcome me to the school. I am pretty good at my job but only when I feel comfortable and needed and I have felt that in just one week of working there.

Coming soon will be a new blog! No not another place to share my rants and raves but I am actually starting a blog testing and offering my opinions on the things I find on Pinterest. I've been working my way through several things on Pinterest and finding that some are keepers and some just definitely are not so I wanted to keep track of what was what. I figured others with less time on their hands might be interested in knowing which pins would be worth their time and effort so I am working on that and it should be up soon!

The biggest new thing is a little girl names Tamsin. I officially became an aunt 6 weeks ago and it really is as great as I had hoped it to be. I'm able to work my baby magic when it's needed and pass her off when that magic falls flat. Not to mention that she is just pretty darn cute and we get lots of cuddle time!!

Brand new Tamsin looking and smelling so good and new

A very important milestone in a girl's life
Baby's First Trip to Target

                                                         

Here she is now, just getting a little to big a little too fast

And just so you can die from exposure to extreme cuteness :) .......

Here I Am

Well I can't say that I am here with any great stories to tell or things to say but I think writing is kinda like praying; when you don't want to do it, do it anyway, do it till you want to be doing it. Now I realize that might get a raised eyebrow or two and I realize writing might not seem that important but I guess what I'm trying to say is you just have to go for it. Most of the time when I sit down to write I don't have anything specific in mind that I want to write I just have a need to have some of the thoughts floating around in my head be heard in one way or another.
One of the things that I find most frustrating about myself is my inability to speak. Usually it is nerves that rid my brain of any intelligible thoughts so I just don't know what to say but the older I get and the more confidence I gain it seems the problem isn't always not knowing what to say but finally having something to say and not being able to get it out in audible tones. It seems that even though I feel like I am speaking normally my voice just seems to get softer and softer making it, by what I've been told, very frustrating to talk to me since I can't be understood. Trust me when I say I feel the frustration just as much as those trying to listen to me, I hate that nobody can hear me. I have no desire to be a loud mouth but I would be okay with a normal voice :)
That being my greatest frustration at the moment I also got a haircut this past week that I HATE!!! It was suppose to be so cute and yet every time I look at myself in the mirror or try to do something with it I just want to cry. I don't know if I've ever really had a bad haircut but this one is definitely it. It's very sad indeed.
On the positive side I was able to get a new skirt from Target to wear today to church. I've been wanting a pencil skirt for sometime and finally found one that I love. I only had to sell my soul to my mother in order to get it but based on how I felt wearing it today, it was worth it.
Speaking of selling my soul, I have no direction in life and feel completely lost. I have no idea what I should be doing with myself or where I should be going. I'm growing an aversion to talking to people since the natural course of conversation takes us directly to this point and I feel that sense of togetherness and maturity I might possibly have given off in the conversation leading up to the point falls completely flat when they realize that in fact I'm just a big fat loser. The bumming on my parents couch, jobless, nearly 30 year old loser that I am is the only thing they can now see and so turn around and walk away. Yes I do know that is what they are doing when an other wise nice conversation suddenly turns cold but maybe here we have the culprit stealing my voice. Inside I still have confidence and know that I am in fact not a loser, struggling a bit, but not a loser. Despite some of the things I lack I believe I actually have something to offer others. I still have a desire to do good in the world and to be a better person and to befriend those around me. I'm still passionate about things even when it gets harder and harder to show it. Inside I'm sticking up for myself to all those people that turn and walk away even though on the outside I show none of that. Somehow I have got to find my voice and step out into the scary world and make a life for myself all rather daunting of course but do-able if I could just figure out how to take that first step, right now it's all just darkness.
Wish me luck!

Oh technology

It's been awhile since I have been on blogger, I guess I figured I was tired of using it as a venting session and giving the impression that it was doom and gloom all the time. My life, although frustrating at times really isn't do bad and I have actually been thinking a lot about my writing and missing it. It's therapeutic and I love it so hopefully that means I will be getting back to it. Right now I am writing from the newest addition to the family, the iPad. This is where the war begins my great love hate relationship with technology. I hate depending on something so fickle as technology but boy do I love that thrill of a new toy and seeing all the new things I can do with it. This is being written at the end of a wasted day just merely tinkering around with this here IPad and as pathetic as that does make me feel I'm ok embracing that and will begin a new journey tomorrow unsticking myself from this thing and interacting with real people.
P.s. have you ever typed in an iPad? Why is that sensation such a thrilling one?
P.p.s. I know those of you seasoned iPad/iPhone users may laugh at this silliness but maybe you remember what it was like that first time ;)

Spinning a Story

So I tried my hand at a little short story tonight and thought I would share the outcome.
For a little background information: My roommate Whitney works as a dispatcher for the campus police and while she is working sometimes we go in to visit her. Tonight just happen to be one of those nights and while she was on break she took me into one of the interrogation rooms and told me to write a confession. For your amusement and maybe because I am a little proud of it, I will share it with you all.

  To Whom it May Concern,
            I have lived with this guilt too long and must come clean. I feel as though I must confess a sin too grave to speak out loud.
            On the morning of September 23, 2011 I had just returned to my apartment at 557 E. 400 N. #3 after a wild night spent in the company of a man I considered to be the love of my life. Much to my shame and possible eternal damnation I went against my conscience to give myself completely to this man I believed to be my soul mate. It was after He took that which is most precious from me that I learned of the false pretense under which it was taken. He was not the man that I had once thought just hours before. Filled with such horror and guilt at what I had done, something dark and sinister awakened within me. 
             The smugness with which the man, nay, this beast looked at me as some animal would look down on it's recently killed prey. Prey not killed out of necessity but merely sport. What ensued cannot be given in detail, as my memory has been obliterated, but this I must confess; the life of one Leilani Rose Richens was taken by my hands. Something that was building as I left that animal to return to my now shattered life snapped as my roommate Leilani questioned me when I returned home. Instead of attacking the one I truly hated I attacked her. I was crazed and possessed by a power far greater than my own. 
             You will find her body buried on Old Main under an unmarked mound of dirt and I will be awaiting you.


And what would be a story without a picture to go along with it. Thanks Whitney for drawing it out for everyone.

Haha I promise I am not disturbed and my roommates/those around me really have nothing to worry about ;) Writing can be so fun sometimes!

What Is This Passion You Speak Of

Well as you can probably guess I have failed at yet another thing. I felt like I was doing so well in everything and one weekend ruined everything. It wasn't even anything I could have seen coming. I went home for the weekend for my little sister's farewell. It wasn't particularly rough or anything but for some reason it seems to have marked my derailment.
I mean I have been feeling kinda lost for awhile now. Not really sure what I should be doing differently to make my life more interesting and fulfilling. Trying to find out what it is that I feel passionate about.
For everyone else it seems the answer is school. Most people aren't passionate about it but they know it is something they have to do in order to do that which they are passionate about. They know in which direction to look for the light at the end of the tunnel so it seems they are able to buckle down and get it done. For others of us, of which I feel the poster child of, we aren't sure if there even is a light at the end of the tunnel let alone where to find it.
Of course there are a few things that I feel passionate about, that I love doing and that make me feel good. Unfortunately none of these things are subjects to be studied at school. I can't find any of these things in the places I am looking. I have hesitated actually forming these thoughts but I think it is time that I started acknowledging it. I don't think school is where I am suppose to be.
I hesitate for several reasons. First we have been told by a prophet that we need to get an education. Second everyone around me thinks this is what I should do, and they speak from experience, knowing that it's better to get it done now rather than wait until you have to.
The third reason is my own logic. I am 26 years old, not married and no immediate prospects to change that. I feel like I need to be doing something productive with my life and the only thing I feel is productive is using my time to get an education. I haven't shared the reason why I moved away from home to come here to Logan but basically I felt like it was where I was suppose to be. The only logical reason I could think of for that necessity was school. Attend Utah State University, that was the answer. School must be this hard because I was going to the wrong school.
How wrong that proved to be. If this is what I am suppose to be doing with my life why does it make me so unhappy? It has only become more clear that I do not want to major in Elementary Education, no big deal right? Just pick a new major. Weighing my options and researching different majors I have only become more confused into a state I can only describe as a stupor of thought. I never understood that phrase before but I think I'm beginning to. It isn't just a matter of making a decision and asking if it is right but not even knowing what decision to make. Trying to describe it would be useless I think. It feels like the light goes out on my thoughts and I can't find a way to move forward. It is a constant sick to my stomach feeling about any major I have considered.
I enjoy living on my own. I love living far enough away that I don't constantly head back to my safety net. I love that I have become confident and happy in my social life. I wish there was more to it but for once I look forward to it and instead of cowering in the corner watching others, feeling completely inadequate, I now participate with confidence comfortable with who I am. I'm not saying I'm a regular chatterbox but if I want to say something I do. I haven't had any dates yet but I'm getting more comfortable and better at putting myself out there. Maybe that's the reason I was suppose to come to Logan.
So if doing it everyone elses way isn't working what is my way? I don't know just yet but here are a few of the things that make me happy; being around other people, going to institute, cooking and trying new things in the kitchen, writing talks(odd I know but I enjoy it), taking care of others, finding opportunities to serve others. I wouldn't say that I was particularly good at any of these things but when I do them I am happy and I would consider these things to be things that I am passionate about.
So how do I go about my life doing the things that make me happy? Sound like being a mother would be the perfect fit but for some reason Heavenly Father doesn't think it's time yet so what do I do in the mean time? What is it that I'm suppose to be learning or accomplishing? What am I suppose to become in the mean time? Why are there no answers? Maybe I should seriously look into being a nanny?

Let's Get Acquainted Day 17

What Makes You Insecure/Proud

Well this whole blog is dedicated to my insecurities so I'm going to go with something that makes me proud.  I am a most proud of earning one of these:

I am proud of these three. Each one was my companion starting on the left and working my way to the right. Hna. Guerrero from Esmeraldas Ecuador was my second companion, Hna. Najarro from El Salvador was my third companion, and Hna. Sanchez from Esmeraldas was my fifth companion. I am proud of this because we all had our struggles together but these three became three of my best friends. I am proud of the friendships I made in Ecuador. To this day almost four years after leaving I still have contact with lots of missionaries and members alike. It was the first time I knew that others could see that I cared and was a good person when all along I feared that even though I felt it I couldn't express it. They all proved me wrong.

I love this picture and it was a very happy day indeed even though you can tell from the picture that I was not there. That was the story of my mission, nobody that I taught from the beginning ever got baptized while I was in the area but after I left. We weren't the first missionaries to find Gabriel but he hadn't been taught in a while. His wife was inactive and he was not a member when we went to visit. We went there a couple of times a week to teach him but he was afraid of the word baptism. Afraid he couldn't stay strong after he made the commitment. He led family prayer at night and read daily from the scriptures with his wife. He attended church and had a desire to take his family to the temple but put it off because of insecurities. My companion saw this in her own family with her dad. He said he wanted to get baptized but never would commit and it had been many years. She wanted us to stop visiting Gabriel y Venus but I made her keep going. We started to focus on Venus and then I was transferred out of the area. Hna. Najarro and her companion continued to work with them and two months after I left and a few days after Hna. Najarro left to go home, Gabriel was baptized. The night I got that phone call was one of the best. Within a few weeks of his baptism he had baptized a few members of his family and was planning on more a few weeks after that. I can't take credit for any baptism that took place but it made me proud that I was able to be a part of his.

The mission is loaded with happy moments that make your heart swell with gratitude and I can't share all of them but these are two :) Maybe later I can share more.