Freedom

After a few rough days, as you can tell by my previous posts, school has finally ended and summer vacation has begun!!!

The end of the year is always a bitter sweet thing. Even though your exhausted you seems to only remember the good time that you had throughout the year but not this year. In all honesty this really was a great year. I had a lot of fun, I made lots of friends, I became more confident, I had more responsibility and I enjoyed it all. Despite all of that it was an exhausting year and I wasn't sad to see it end and am relieved to finally have a break. I guess after 5 years of this you begin to realize you will see the kids again in a few month so it's okay.

I am way excited for my summer though because I am determined to have fun, be productive and finish some of the things on my Bucket List. I don't have any definite plans for June just yet but I am looking forward to the Scottish Festival the 9-10. I've never even heard about it before but it sounds like it could be fun and since it's the closest I am going to get to Scotland for a while yet you better believe I'll be there :) June is going to be all my local fun and then for July I'm heading to TEXAS!!!!

It seems to be turning into a yearly tradition to go on a trip and that's pretty cool. Last year I went to Washington DC and this year I'm going to Dallas, Texas! I am going to stay with a cousin who has invited me down (THANK YOU CHESNEY) and am going for a month! I am so excited for this much needed vacation and the chance to see someplace new.

I was a little worried at first not knowing what Texas has to offer but I've been doing some research and there seems to be plenty to keep me busy while I'm there. Maybe if I have too much fun I'll find me a cowboy and just stay :) (I'm joking really I know that would never happen)

JUST MAD!

I'm not really an angry person, I consider myself rather patient person but lately I find myself getting angry a lot. Angry at life, angry at myself, angry at the weather and the stupid snow that ruins everything!! I don't even know why!

It's getting harder and harder to sit by and watch everyone's lives progress while my life continues stagnant. It doesn't even have to do with marriage anymore it's just life in general. I don't know what to do with myself and find my courage to get out and try new things quickly slipping away. Maybe angry isn't the right word but just intensely frustrated.

I hate that I have become a Debbie Downer and every entry on this blog is my venting, it's just getting harder and harder to stay positive when just about everything that I look forward to and am excited about ends badly and I'm just tired of having every hope crushed.

My sister got married last week and I kind of anticipated it being a hard day but as it got closer I became excited and didn't think it would be that bad. That morning at the temple though proved to be as difficult as I had anticipated. It was a nice sealing but I half way through all I could do was concentrate on not crying. It was just sad. I don't know if it was sad because things were changing or if I was just jealous because I could no longer picture myself in that situation. I didn't feel jealous so I don't know. It was a rough morning though.

The rest of the day went all right and by the reception the weather had turned perfect and we had a lot of fun.

Yesterday though was another not so great of day. We went over to Nick and Kimberly's to watch them unwrap presents and got to see the pictures and that was depressing. I hate having pictures with my siblings because I hate standing next to the three of them and being about the size of two of them. Being stressed, frustrated and yes maybe just a little depressed I have been eating more than I should be. I think it made me feel better to know that at least now I had a reason why nobody would want me or even want to go on a date with me cause if I looked like I did when I came home from the mission the only reason would be because of my personality which we have evidence here can be a bit intense, strange, dark, etc. etc. but oh well cause at least I have a couple of friends that tell me otherwise and I value their opinion enough to know that they might be right:) I have bad days, everyone has bad days I'm just dumb enough to publish mine on the Internet. But please don't think it is to get your sympathy because it honestly is not I just need to vent and writing things down is the most therapeutic (I honestly feel a little better already)