What Is This Passion You Speak Of

Well as you can probably guess I have failed at yet another thing. I felt like I was doing so well in everything and one weekend ruined everything. It wasn't even anything I could have seen coming. I went home for the weekend for my little sister's farewell. It wasn't particularly rough or anything but for some reason it seems to have marked my derailment.
I mean I have been feeling kinda lost for awhile now. Not really sure what I should be doing differently to make my life more interesting and fulfilling. Trying to find out what it is that I feel passionate about.
For everyone else it seems the answer is school. Most people aren't passionate about it but they know it is something they have to do in order to do that which they are passionate about. They know in which direction to look for the light at the end of the tunnel so it seems they are able to buckle down and get it done. For others of us, of which I feel the poster child of, we aren't sure if there even is a light at the end of the tunnel let alone where to find it.
Of course there are a few things that I feel passionate about, that I love doing and that make me feel good. Unfortunately none of these things are subjects to be studied at school. I can't find any of these things in the places I am looking. I have hesitated actually forming these thoughts but I think it is time that I started acknowledging it. I don't think school is where I am suppose to be.
I hesitate for several reasons. First we have been told by a prophet that we need to get an education. Second everyone around me thinks this is what I should do, and they speak from experience, knowing that it's better to get it done now rather than wait until you have to.
The third reason is my own logic. I am 26 years old, not married and no immediate prospects to change that. I feel like I need to be doing something productive with my life and the only thing I feel is productive is using my time to get an education. I haven't shared the reason why I moved away from home to come here to Logan but basically I felt like it was where I was suppose to be. The only logical reason I could think of for that necessity was school. Attend Utah State University, that was the answer. School must be this hard because I was going to the wrong school.
How wrong that proved to be. If this is what I am suppose to be doing with my life why does it make me so unhappy? It has only become more clear that I do not want to major in Elementary Education, no big deal right? Just pick a new major. Weighing my options and researching different majors I have only become more confused into a state I can only describe as a stupor of thought. I never understood that phrase before but I think I'm beginning to. It isn't just a matter of making a decision and asking if it is right but not even knowing what decision to make. Trying to describe it would be useless I think. It feels like the light goes out on my thoughts and I can't find a way to move forward. It is a constant sick to my stomach feeling about any major I have considered.
I enjoy living on my own. I love living far enough away that I don't constantly head back to my safety net. I love that I have become confident and happy in my social life. I wish there was more to it but for once I look forward to it and instead of cowering in the corner watching others, feeling completely inadequate, I now participate with confidence comfortable with who I am. I'm not saying I'm a regular chatterbox but if I want to say something I do. I haven't had any dates yet but I'm getting more comfortable and better at putting myself out there. Maybe that's the reason I was suppose to come to Logan.
So if doing it everyone elses way isn't working what is my way? I don't know just yet but here are a few of the things that make me happy; being around other people, going to institute, cooking and trying new things in the kitchen, writing talks(odd I know but I enjoy it), taking care of others, finding opportunities to serve others. I wouldn't say that I was particularly good at any of these things but when I do them I am happy and I would consider these things to be things that I am passionate about.
So how do I go about my life doing the things that make me happy? Sound like being a mother would be the perfect fit but for some reason Heavenly Father doesn't think it's time yet so what do I do in the mean time? What is it that I'm suppose to be learning or accomplishing? What am I suppose to become in the mean time? Why are there no answers? Maybe I should seriously look into being a nanny?

Let's Get Acquainted Day 17

What Makes You Insecure/Proud

Well this whole blog is dedicated to my insecurities so I'm going to go with something that makes me proud.  I am a most proud of earning one of these:

I am proud of these three. Each one was my companion starting on the left and working my way to the right. Hna. Guerrero from Esmeraldas Ecuador was my second companion, Hna. Najarro from El Salvador was my third companion, and Hna. Sanchez from Esmeraldas was my fifth companion. I am proud of this because we all had our struggles together but these three became three of my best friends. I am proud of the friendships I made in Ecuador. To this day almost four years after leaving I still have contact with lots of missionaries and members alike. It was the first time I knew that others could see that I cared and was a good person when all along I feared that even though I felt it I couldn't express it. They all proved me wrong.

I love this picture and it was a very happy day indeed even though you can tell from the picture that I was not there. That was the story of my mission, nobody that I taught from the beginning ever got baptized while I was in the area but after I left. We weren't the first missionaries to find Gabriel but he hadn't been taught in a while. His wife was inactive and he was not a member when we went to visit. We went there a couple of times a week to teach him but he was afraid of the word baptism. Afraid he couldn't stay strong after he made the commitment. He led family prayer at night and read daily from the scriptures with his wife. He attended church and had a desire to take his family to the temple but put it off because of insecurities. My companion saw this in her own family with her dad. He said he wanted to get baptized but never would commit and it had been many years. She wanted us to stop visiting Gabriel y Venus but I made her keep going. We started to focus on Venus and then I was transferred out of the area. Hna. Najarro and her companion continued to work with them and two months after I left and a few days after Hna. Najarro left to go home, Gabriel was baptized. The night I got that phone call was one of the best. Within a few weeks of his baptism he had baptized a few members of his family and was planning on more a few weeks after that. I can't take credit for any baptism that took place but it made me proud that I was able to be a part of his.

The mission is loaded with happy moments that make your heart swell with gratitude and I can't share all of them but these are two :) Maybe later I can share more.

LGA Day 16

Let's Talk Crazy


Honestly, I don't really know what this is asking of me. Is it wanting to know what drives me crazy? What is it exactly that makes me crazy? What I consider living it up or getting crazy?
Really I don't know how to answer either one of those questions.
I think I become a crazy person when I get stressed or when I have to many decisions to make. By crazy here I am referring to those times when I start to shut down. Instead of dealing with my stress in a productive way it usually means I do nothing. I sit and over analyze things to point that nothing makes sense anymore. I don't just over analyze the problem at hand, once it starts it doesn't stop and everything gets thought over from every angle leading to one big mess. If you ever see me and I'm kind of just sitting staring into space for unnatural amounts of time and you start to wonder what could possibly be wrong with me. Don't worry I may look like I'm crazy, I will not start rocking back and forth in a fetal position humming to myself but my mind is going a million miles a minute thinking about everything that has led me to this point in time and trying to figure out every possible outcome. Which I do fully realize is an impossible task but it is what I do best. And if that's not crazy I don't know what is.

*please don't get scared away by this :) 

LGA Day 15

Describe Your Dream Home


My dream home is filled with two or three little kids running around after bath time with an awesome husband chasing them down while I'm taking care of the baby. When they are contained we have story time and mom and dad tuck them in.
Haha just kidding (not really) I know what it was really asking. My dream house isn't something that I am very particular about, but there are a few features that I think would make it ideal.
First it has to have a kitchen with an island and lots of windows.
Second it needs to have a big porch where we can all sit on a Sunday evening in our rocking chairs or comfy porch swing. A porch the kids can lounge around reading on in the summer.
Third, I would like it to have a decent sized yard. Someplace the kids can easily play and run around in. Maybe throw a ball around. Where I can grow my own vegetables and herbs and so I can wake up on Saturday mornings to the sound of my husband (and by husband I mean Awesome husband) mowing the lawn and the smell of fresh cut grass filling the air. That I'm afraid is not negotiable.
Size of house really doesn't matter much to me. I don't want a huge house with lots of cool features, I just want a house sufficient for our needs. I don't mind kids sharing bedrooms.
I think it would be great if it was a combination of Father of the Bride and Green Gables. Green Gables on the outside, Father of the Bride on the inside. Yes, I am aware that that is structurally impossible but if it's my dream home that means I can dream about it.
Follow this link to see other houses that I could easily fall in love with.

LGA Day 14

Someplace You Want to Travel


Such a loaded question. Really it should be where do I have no desire to visit? The top of my list would be the following

    I want to visit the UK so much. Is it the accents, the culture, the scenery? I don't know, but I would very much like to find out. Scotland is where I would want to go more than anything. Someday I will get there.




  If you took Scotland off the table, my dream vacation would be India. I think it would be amazing to go there. I would like to meet the Indian people.

But, if I came into some money as tempting as these places would be I think I would head straight back to Ecuador. I think it would be weird going back as a tourist rather than a missionary. It makes me nervous that I would be disappointed but I can't wait to go back to see the people that I grew close to and the places that hold so many good memories. I dream of going back here.

LGA Day 13

Someone Who Has Impacted Your Life


Outside of the obvious answers of my mom and dad or my sibling or the friends that have been around forever, I would like to dedicate this particular post to my cousin Chesney.
While running the risk of sounding cheesy I want to say that Chesney always has my back. We live far away and have only started getting to know each other the last couple of years but she has become someone that I can always count on for that extra boost of confidence and that supportive nudge when life gets to be too much.
Coming home from the mission was so much harder than I anticipated and life certainly hasn't gone the way I would have chosen it to go. The person that I became on the mission all but disappeared when I got home. The new me and my old life didn't seem to mix so foolishly I chose to the old life as it seemed the path of least resistance. I'm not talking about major repentance type issues but more the total lack of confidence. Not being able to open my mouth and feeling completely useless. I liked being invisible because if people didn't get to know me than they wouldn't find out I was just a big loser.
That isn't the kind of person I was as a missionary and that's not the kind of person I wanted to be ever again but by the time I realized it, it was to late, I had already become that person again.
I am happy to report that I no longer feel like that person, I feel like the missionary I once was only without the name tag.  I feel more positive and happy. I like talking to people and letting them know what I'm thinking. I enjoy actually participating in things. I no longer feel like a loser. I might even say that I'm a pretty cool person ;)
She probably has no idea but Chesney is the one that helped that happen. She invited me out to stay with her in Texas one summer. It wasn't a short visit either. When I went to book my flight for some reason I booked it for a one month stay. I had no idea what I was doing and like I was making a huge mistake because I would for sure wear out my welcome. I didn't even know Chesney or her family very well. She let me come for that long though and it was that time I spent in Texas that started that change. From that point on I have increasingly become the type of person that I want to be. I had found a kindred spirit and I will always be grateful for that blessing.

LGA Day 12

Something You Are Particular About


My clothes and hair. I am very particular about what I am wearing and what my hair looks like. I unfortunately am not one of those people that can just jump out of bed pull my hair up through on a t-shirt and jeans or even sweats for that matter, and head off to class. I have to get dressed and do my hair or I am very uncomfortable throughout the day. Does this mean I looked overdressed somedays? Most likely but it's what makes my comfortable and I guess what helps me feel more confident. Does this mean I always look great? Heavens no. Sometimes planned out outfits actually make me more uncomfortable and leave me wondering what I was thinking. I have to at least make an effort though.
For those of you that frequent Pinterest you might have seen this before, this is totally me. You can even substitute wasting a good hair day on an insignificant day. Sadly I am being completely serious. There is nothing worse that having a great hair day when nobody sees it or having a stroke of genius in putting an outfit together and not having any occasion to wear it.
I sometimes wish I was that person that simply didn't care. I know I don't care what other people look like and they don't care what I look like but for me I have to care, and it has to be just right :)

LGA Day 11

Who is Your Favorite Artist or Band?


Again with the music question? Really? Okay let's try narrowing this down.

Brad Paisley

Keith Urban

Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

Reik

Michael Ball

Doris Day

and of course Brittany Spears (it's kind of a guilty pleasure)

Haha okay not really on that last one, I promise!! I feel like answering these types of questions solidifies my wierdo factor. I know it's kind of a strange range but maybe instead of thinking I have odd tastes maybe you can look at it as though I'm just eclectic because I was totally kidding about the Brittany Spears thing :) Otherwise you would have my permission to brand me as a wierdo.

LGA Day 10

A Photo Then and Now

1986

My first birthday at my Grandparents House in Savannah, Georgia

2011

Also in Savannah, Georgia. This time I was visiting with my cousin Chesney. This was only my third time visiting Georgia but it's a fun place to go. This was taken on River Street.

LGA Day 9

Something That Makes My Life Easier


A schedule definitely makes my life easier to handle. I'm not talking about a missionary schedule where my days are all planned out but more along the lines of just staying busy. Maybe having some structure is a better way of saying than a schedule. I have a hard time when I don't have regular things to do. I find that when I have a lot of free time I get a little lost. I love having someplace to be and something that I have to do. It's far to easy to put things off and start to over think things to to the point of sheer panic and anxiety. I really need something to look forward to in my life and then I'm a pretty happy camper. When I get down and depressed or outright overwhelmed with life it's usually because I have to much free time.

LGA Day 8

Something You Hate


I wouldn't necessarily call myself a hater but there are a few things that tend to drive me crazy. I really don't like when people don't take care of their yards. I know it can be a lot of work and maybe it's because I come from a family that always took good care of our yard but it really bothers me when I pass a house that is surrounded my weeds or dead grass. If yard work isn't really your thing you don't have to have anything special going on in your yard but you should certainly at least have some grass that you cut every once in a while. Call me petty for being bugged by something so silly but you wanted to learn more about me so there you have it :)
I also hate people that are inconsiderate of other people. I was lucky to have a mom that taught me to think and care about others. It really bothers me when people don't seem to be aware of those around them.

LGA Day 7

A Photo That Makes Me Happy

I was not a dog fan when this little pooch came home. I was rather upset actually but how can you not change your mind after looking at that face. He has a pretty darn cute personality to go along with it despite his annoying qualities. Now that I've been away from home for a little while I realize how much I want to have a dog around, it makes me happy.

This isn't the picture I wanted to show of them but it's the only one the computer would let me use. I love this family more than anything. This was my very first baptism in the mission which makes it special but I also spend my entire time in my first area (6 months) visiting this family a couple of times a week. Only days after I was transferred from the area they moved to Venezuela to find better work. Because of that I have lost total contact with them. I don't know where they are or how they are doing and none of the contact info I gave them works now so it's looking kinda hopeless. BUT even though there is a twinge on sadness looking at their pictures not knowing, I know that they are okay because they have good, strong, true testimonies. I can't wait for the day I will meet them again. 

LGA Day 6

My Most Treasured Item(s)

I had to think about this one a lot. I'm a sentimental person and like to keep things (attachment issues NOT hoarding issues) but I don't think there is any one thing that I couldn't live without. There is somethings that I would be painful to loose and that would be the things I have from my mission. 

I'm one of those that has really struggled leaving the mission behind. I think the worst part about leaving an area or the mission all together is wondering if the people that you grew to love so much and could never ever forget, will even remember you after you're gone. You only have one mission but they stay there with a constant parade of new missionaries. 

Anyway, my most treasured item would be my box of mission memories. Pictures, journals, notes from fellow missionaries, bus tickets, plane tickets, gifts from members, letters from home, all the emails I wrote, etc. I tried to save everything and am so glad I did when I start looking through the box. They are just things but it was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me so far and I can't wait to go through it and share the stories with my kids.

LGA Day 5

A Favorite Quote


"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
                         --Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love that this quote let's you know that it isn't your accomplishments as the world would see them that makes your life special. It is who you are as a person and your contribution to society is how you treat those around you. History books may remember people for great accomplishments but the ones that are really revered and remembered are those that took care of the ones around them, the ones that knew who they were and stayed strong amid trails and tribulations.
I won't make a name for myself out in the world but if I can make those around me "breath easier" than I would be happy. I still have a ways to go to become that kind of a person but we all have something we're working on.

Let's Get Acquainted Day 4

Favorite Book


I will say The Angels of Morgan Hill. Sounds kinda like one of those cheesy books that they make into a Hallmark movie, which maybe it is but I really enjoy reading it again and again. I would go into a description of what it is about but I'm too lazy today so if you look at my side bar on the right where I review some of the books I'm reading I have one there. While there you can read the other reviews as well because the majority of those are also on my favorites list. Take special notice of North and South and Unbroken because they are awesome.
The ones that you won't find there but I still love are The Help and A Long Way From Chicago or A Year Down Yonder. I don't know if it's in my blood or something but I love reading books that takes me down south.
If this question asked who my favorite author was I would say Richard Peck, his books are so fun to read.