Well as you can probably guess I have failed at yet another thing. I felt like I was doing so well in everything and one weekend ruined everything. It wasn't even anything I could have seen coming. I went home for the weekend for my little sister's farewell. It wasn't particularly rough or anything but for some reason it seems to have marked my derailment.
I mean I have been feeling kinda lost for awhile now. Not really sure what I should be doing differently to make my life more interesting and fulfilling. Trying to find out what it is that I feel passionate about.
For everyone else it seems the answer is school. Most people aren't passionate about it but they know it is something they have to do in order to do that which they are passionate about. They know in which direction to look for the light at the end of the tunnel so it seems they are able to buckle down and get it done. For others of us, of which I feel the poster child of, we aren't sure if there even is a light at the end of the tunnel let alone where to find it.
Of course there are a few things that I feel passionate about, that I love doing and that make me feel good. Unfortunately none of these things are subjects to be studied at school. I can't find any of these things in the places I am looking. I have hesitated actually forming these thoughts but I think it is time that I started acknowledging it. I don't think school is where I am suppose to be.
I hesitate for several reasons. First we have been told by a prophet that we need to get an education. Second everyone around me thinks this is what I should do, and they speak from experience, knowing that it's better to get it done now rather than wait until you have to.
The third reason is my own logic. I am 26 years old, not married and no immediate prospects to change that. I feel like I need to be doing something productive with my life and the only thing I feel is productive is using my time to get an education. I haven't shared the reason why I moved away from home to come here to Logan but basically I felt like it was where I was suppose to be. The only logical reason I could think of for that necessity was school. Attend Utah State University, that was the answer. School must be this hard because I was going to the wrong school.
How wrong that proved to be. If this is what I am suppose to be doing with my life why does it make me so unhappy? It has only become more clear that I do not want to major in Elementary Education, no big deal right? Just pick a new major. Weighing my options and researching different majors I have only become more confused into a state I can only describe as a stupor of thought. I never understood that phrase before but I think I'm beginning to. It isn't just a matter of making a decision and asking if it is right but not even knowing what decision to make. Trying to describe it would be useless I think. It feels like the light goes out on my thoughts and I can't find a way to move forward. It is a constant sick to my stomach feeling about any major I have considered.
I enjoy living on my own. I love living far enough away that I don't constantly head back to my safety net. I love that I have become confident and happy in my social life. I wish there was more to it but for once I look forward to it and instead of cowering in the corner watching others, feeling completely inadequate, I now participate with confidence comfortable with who I am. I'm not saying I'm a regular chatterbox but if I want to say something I do. I haven't had any dates yet but I'm getting more comfortable and better at putting myself out there. Maybe that's the reason I was suppose to come to Logan.
So if doing it everyone elses way isn't working what is my way? I don't know just yet but here are a few of the things that make me happy; being around other people, going to institute, cooking and trying new things in the kitchen, writing talks(odd I know but I enjoy it), taking care of others, finding opportunities to serve others. I wouldn't say that I was particularly good at any of these things but when I do them I am happy and I would consider these things to be things that I am passionate about.
So how do I go about my life doing the things that make me happy? Sound like being a mother would be the perfect fit but for some reason Heavenly Father doesn't think it's time yet so what do I do in the mean time? What is it that I'm suppose to be learning or accomplishing? What am I suppose to become in the mean time? Why are there no answers? Maybe I should seriously look into being a nanny?
1 comment:
Oh Kaitlin, hang in there! There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Let's do something soon please. I miss you!
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