I’m a day away from turning 25 and I can hardly figure out where the time has gone. I remember thinking when I was younger that that seemed so old, that I would be an adult. I could hardly even picture myself as that person and yet in the blink of an eye here I am.
I’m not one to take much stock in birthdays. Sure I like the attention as much as anyone else but I don’t like telling people it’s my birthday so there usually isn’t too much fuss and attention anyway. I don’t understand the need or desire to be forever 29. You should be proud of your age, it signifies your years of experience and hopefully maturity. It certainly isn’t anything to be embarrassed about; it’s just another day and another year. So how come this birthday is turning out to be such an emotional one?
It almost turns to panic when I think back at my life so far and the realization that there is no denying my adulthood and my new found position on the downward slope to thirty and yet I have so few accomplishments.
My crowning achievement in life so far has been the mission. I could go on and on about how wonderful it was and the blessings I received from it. Though it’s hard to point out just one blessing there is one that meant the most and has also given me the most heartache. Being a missionary showed me the kind of person I could be. A person who is confident in oneself. I don’t know if I’d ever felt self-confidence before. I was never all that fond of myself and was sure that I was always looked at as the weirdo in the corner, painfully shy and awkward. As a missionary though I was put into positions where people liked me and wanted to be around me, where the love I felt for others and my desire to serve them outweighed the fear I had in portraying my true feelings. I’m not saying that it was easy and quick, it took a long time and it was so hard but I knew what I was doing and I knew why I was doing it and it made me complete.
My only regret is that I didn’t fully realize it at the time. I took it for granted and thought that that was just how I was going to be from then on. It made me excited for life, knowing that I could conquer anything I chose to do in life. Unfortunately when the badge came off so did all my confidence. Thank goodness it wasn’t accompanied by the same tendencies for depression but it left me scared once again to take charge of my life. I have the desire to do big things but lack the courage to actually go through with it and every time that I don’t I feel the old, better me becoming more of a fantasy. I get so homesick for that and for my other family in Ecuador almost daily and that makes everything I do now feel tedious and pointless.
I wanted to have so much accomplished by this birthday and all I have is one thing. One thing I did well at and didn’t mess up. It was a big thing but it was still just one thing.
I’m taking an institute class from Bro. Robbins. I took a couple of classes from him before my mission and got lucky this semester that he was teaching a class that fit perfectly into my schedule. He is an amazing teacher that is not only passionate about what he is teaching but also direct and loving. There is no sugar coating anything and I love that. I also love the class. It is doctrine of the gospel and is amazing. I have learned so many new and exciting things. I’ve gained a greater knowledge of death and the resurrection, of the judgment and second coming. I never really feared death but now am excited for it. It will be hard to leave this life and the people that we love here but the prospect of removing the veil and the people you’ll meet again as well as the great mission you’ll be serving. I can’t help but be excited for that. I’ll live my life as best and as full as I can but when my time comes I will be ready and willing to go.
In our class yesterday we were learning about the fall of Babylon and the rise of Zion. We talked of the veil and the fact that we are the only ones that have it. Those that came before us in the spirit world and those still waiting to come have no veil. They know everything and they see everything. They can see us and are cheering us on. Brother Robbins looked as us and said with tears in his eyes, “anytime you’re about to go out and do something stupid, think of your kids.” They are watching us and the lives they are coming to depend on us and the choices we make.
A relatively simple statement but powerful to me. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about my kids. I don’t know who they are and what they will be like but I do know that when the time comes for them to join me here I will love them even more than I could possible comprehend at this point. I will be blessed with some of Heavenly Father’s choicest spirits and I know because I feel as though I am being prepared now. Who knows where their father is and what he is up to or when he will show up but whether it be soon or not we will be ready to welcome them into this world and love them as they deserve to be loved.
I'm understanding more everyday the special time that this is to be prepared in the Lord's way for what he needs me to be. My vision is limited for now but knowing I have a purpose as great as that calms me and gives me strength. I can once again become the kind of person I want to be.
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